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[beatemall]

< BadMachine2004 > — normal handle
< KidArachnid > — used for hero work
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<BadMachine2004> cw: obsessive compulsion

[beatemall]

[Hell is something Miles feels intimately familiar with by now—if it really was a place personally curated to make him miserable. The days that dragged into the first week after reviving felt more like years, really.

First it was his phylactery reappearing in his room, and then it was his flesh slowly reconstituting around it, like it were the bulb of some sprouting plant. Once he was whole again (or as whole as he ever will be), it spat up out of his rib cage in an almost comical fashion.

And then Miles laid there, in his bed, for days after. Staring at the too bald ceiling of his room, until he felt like the plainness staring back at him was driving him more mad than the few fitful hours of sleep he could force himself through.

So he left his apartment—to the store, to buy cans of spray paint—and obsessed for the next few days after that with filling his room with so much color it bordered on headache worthy. Faces he wishes he could see again, smiles he wanted to bask in. First it was his mom and dad, then it became Ganke, Hobie, Pav—Gwen.

Miles didn't even notice that the new mural painted while hovering inches from his horizontal canvas had kept him from sleep longer than the nightmares have been. And when he finished it, he turned to his sketchbook. Pages were filled with unrelenting fervor, portraits and scenes he could close his eyes and remember from home.

It isn't until a ding from his laptop breaks the spell that he even realizes how long it's been since, well... He's talked to anyone. Miles' fingers would be hurting from the strain were it not for deadened nerve-endings, but the thought it swiftly put aside to see who it is that could be messaging him—and swears that if it isn't worth it, he'll just go back to drawing.

But it is worth it, in the end.]

hey
not dead just been busy
think i just got sucked into one of those famous lich spirals

[Miles stops, glancing around his room that has turned into the studio of a manic artist in a matter of a week.]

shits been really sucking lately ngl
im not crazy for thinking about home non stop am i?

[grivences]

[ If you had caught Robin only a year ago, and brought her into Ryslig then, her coping mechanisms would have sent her spiraling in similar ways, albeit focused more towards consuming art rather than creating it. That Robin actually was here in Ryslig, during that weird week-that-wasn't where everyone was a different version of themselves for a while. Pre-Steve Robin, as she likes to think of that part of herself now, would cope with life turning to shit by giving herself a new project: a new language to learn, a new director to watch the entire filmography of, a difficult new piece to pick up on the trumpet.

But that is what pre-Steve Robin would've done. Post-Steve Robin copes differently. She seeks out connections, rather then pushes them away.

Thus, the message to Miles. ]

In a weird way, things sucking does remind me more of home, yeah.

[ But probably not in the way Miles means. ]

Do you need or want help un-spiraling yourself?
I'm here as a sounding board.
Bounce your mental tennis balls off of me instead of the walls of your room.

[beatemall]

[The connection does help.

Seeing that he isn't alone, that there's at least one other person on this peninsula that can understand how he's feeling, makes the suffocating weight that fills his emptied chest feel just a little bit lighter. Since regenerating, his lungs have reformed within his chest cavity, but even with the newfound space to breathe—he doesn't. The phantom sensation of air filling them is now more familiar than the once autonomous act itself.]

maybe i
i dont know how people here manage to not go crazy robin
dying and coming back isnt normal
and the more freaky things i experience here the more i just want to go back to the freaky stuff im used to

[He doesn't know how he's supposed to feel about the sacrifice, how he can even begin to really talk about those feelings—nor the feelings he continues to have.]

you know
i was expected to make a huge sacrifice back home and i refused and
it got me into a lot of trouble
like world-ending trouble
i lost a lot of people i cared about but it didnt matter if i could just stay true to myself and protect my family

now that im here none of that matters
the people i want to keep safe are in danger and so i just
had this thought
that maybe if i didnt follow my heart this time and just did what was expected of me things would turn out different

but it didnt
everything is the same as it was weeks ago but still somehow worse

[grivences]

So you did it.

[ She types, but backspaces. Seeing the words on her screen makes them feel a lot more accusatory than they felt in her head, and she can tell that's not what Miles needs right now.

So she backspaces, takes the time to think about what she actually wants to say, and starts over. ]

If any shady government people show up from my universe, you can't tell them any of this, because I signed an NDA, but I'm pretty sure the US government has no jurisdiction in nightmare fog world, so fuck it.

But back home, I tried to protect people, too. I won't tell you who, and I won't tell you how, because even if I'm okay breaking the NDA, I can't make that decision for anyone else involved.
But the point is, we tried to protect people.
We failed, and the world looks like it might be ending because of it.
I don't know if it will or not, because I'm here now, not there.
I can only hope that the people who are still there can stop it.

[ Nancy, Dustin, Eleven, the rest of them... Robin has to count on them to stop Vecna before he destroys more than just Hawkins. ]

When things started falling apart here... The only thing I could do was try to protect myself and the people around me. To try to succeed where I failed last time.

[ That's a large part of why she stuck with Max instead of trying to spread herself thin looking out for the rest of her friends. Back home, Vecna got Max because Robin, Steve, and Nancy couldn't kill him. She couldn't let Max down a second time. ]

I don't know what's "expected of me." I don't think I'm the kind of person anyone expects much of.
I just try to do what feels right at the time.
I think that's all we can do.

I do, though, want to state for the record that I think it's a little messed up for anyone to expect you to die to save them. Here or anywhere else.

[beatemall]

[Miles' knee-jerk reaction is to dismiss what Robin says with disbelief—because how often can multiple universes really be ending? But he knows the real reason his mind and body both want to reject it, without even really thinking about it but simply feeling it, is because it feels a little too much like his responsibility.

If the canon is messed up, it's not just a singular universe that can be destroyed, but all of them. The entire multiverse was thrust on his shoulders, a weight that's been crushing him for months now, one he's been holding fast to his chest—not even told to Peter—and now he's finally giving up to it. Better to be crushed and have it be over with, right?

Except that didn't happen. He came back, and the guilt and dread came back with him.]

i
im sorry robin

[Sorry that she had to know what that weight feels like, and sorry that she's stuck here, just like he is, helpless. Maybe that's why the urge suddenly comes over him, like two kindred spirits baring their souls to one another.]

no one should have to feel like this
it was me this time but before?
i was told i had to let my dad die and i
i couldnt do it

"you cant win them all" was something i learned early on when i lost my uncle
but i wasnt gonna let it happen again when i knew i had the power to stop it

i didn't care if stopping it from happening would unravel the universe
id rather cease to exist saving someone i love than to exist in a world where i let them down and let them die

but a hero cant do that
a hero has to save the majority not every one

[grivences]

[ It can hard for Robin to read tone, especially over text, but the sadness in Miles' words is practically radiating off the screen. And as much as she's sad that her friend is sad, the fact that he's been apparently forced into these circumstances to make him this sad just makes Robin angry. ]

I'm sorry you lost your uncle. And I'm sorry someone told you that you had to lose your dad.
I think you were right to try to save him.
Turning life saving into a complex mathematical equation to try to save a majority sounds to me like something only a maniac would try to do.
I think heroes are best when they try to save individual people, that's what makes us root for them as heroes.
There's a difference between "saving the majority" and saving as many people as you can.

And besides, you shouldn't have to be a hero. No one our age should.

[beatemall]

[It's funny—the short time in which he's known Robin is both shorter and longer than he's known some of the best friends he's ever had and yet... Did they ever say any of this to him?

When had Gwen, or Peter, told him they were sorry that his uncle was actually Prowler, and that he had to hold the second father he had in life while he took his last breaths.

And yet here she is, saying more, conveying more now even though she doesn't even understand the depth of it.]

thanks...
uncle aaron thought like that too
i think you wouldve liked him

i really really wanted to be like him
actually
it was while hangin with him that i got my powers by accident

which is to say im like
a real hero
or was
so while i agree normal teens shouldnt be a hero
if i have the power to save people im gonna
thats also just the right thing to do

[grivences]

Oh
OK

[ Weirdly, Miles is not the first person with superpowers Robin has met. He's not even the first teen with superpowers, nor the first teen with superpowers who's trying to use them to save the world, to do the right thing.

But Robin never really knew Eleven. They met in a whirlwind the night of the mall attack, and then as soon as Robin became aware of Eleven's existence, she was gone again to California. Robin would've liked to get to know her better, instead of the second hand synopsis she ended up getting from Steve and Dustin, but she never got the chance. ]

I definitely want to know more about you being a hero, and I'll probably annoy you with a million questions, but I do realize this is not the best time for me to be a nerd so I'll hold back for now.

[ When they're not both recovering from mass panic and group suicides, she is absolutely going to geek out. ]

I don't change anything I said.
I can totally see you being a hero, because you're a good person, and I've seen first hand you doing everything you could to try to save a life.

[ Her life. Keyword "try," but she's going to try not to pause too long on that, because the failure is not the important part here. ]

Even if I didn't know you were a hero back home, you were already my hero here. AND my friend.

I think... Whatever you thought was the right thing to do, probably was in that moment.
And now we just need to help each other find the right thing to do going forward from here.

[beatemall]

[Surprisingly, the sentiment isn't all that lost on Miles. Offhandedly, it reminds him of Ganke, when he came out as Spider-Man to him, and how sharing that secret only really deepened the friendship between them. Outside of Spider-society, Ganke was the only person who could even come close to understanding him, the only person who made him feel just a little less alone in the world.

And surprisingly, when faced with that realization, Miles finds that those feelings he holds for Ganke are similar to the ones he holds for Robin. She's the closest thing he has to a best friend here—aside from Peter, who really feels more like an older brother than anything.]

my friend ganke said the same thing when i told him back home lol
i wouldnt mind answering whatever questions you have but...yea
maybe after i stop feeling like shit?

[Which if slowly feeling like sooner than later, the longer this conversation goes on. Miles has already settled into bed, with his blankets tucked around him cozily, finding himself relaxing into comfort almost by accident.]

my dad would say im reckless
maybe its cause i was raised by a cop and a nurse
caring about people is just something my family does...did

[Seconds pass, Miles anxiously tapping his fingers against the flat face of his keyboard before finally deciding, fuck it, and typing out something that feels just a little embarrassing.]

thanks for always having my back robin
youre my best friend and youre always checking in on me damn
are YOU okay???
this convo feels a little one sided

reference to mass suicide (probably should've been a warning on this whole thread whoops)

[grivences]

Does.

[ She gently corrects. ]

I'm sure wherever your family is, they're still out there caring about people like they always have.
Just like the people I left back home.

[ Not her parents. They don't really care about much of anything, anymore. But Dustin, Nancy, everyone else fighting Vecna. Robin's sure they're still out there trying to fix things. ]

That is, unless the world ended, which we'll just have to hope hasn't happened.
It's better, I think, to assume the best instead of the worst.
Even if the worst is sometimes easier to imagine.

[ God knows Robin's had her share of pessimism. But she's trying to be different, now. To do as she says, not as she does. ]

I'll be alright. I didn't volunteer.
I'm not going to lie, I thought about it.
And there's still a little part of me that feels like maybe it was selfish of me not to do it.
But I had more important worries at the time, just trying to keep the people I was with safe.
Which they are, now.
We all are.
As safe as we can be, right?

HONESTLY yeah, just blanket cw: mass suicide/sacrifice talk all the way down

[beatemall]

[It pulls a tired smile across his face.]

yea nah youre right
it is better
not just for you or me but i think its good for everyone

[Anyone can wear the mask. Robin can wear the mask. Spider-Man is something that is embodied, not a singular person who exists. And Spider-Man is a harbinger of hope, of relentless underdog optimism.

But even then, as Robin speaks of the events just weeks prior, Miles can feel that weight descending down on him again, his head buoyed over the torrent of discomfort by the fact that she stayed away from the mess herself.]

good im
im glad you didnt
youre not selfish at all
you still did the right thing protecting people and thats what matters

[It's what he should've done, in retrospect. Maybe then he wouldn't have to look at the ugly knot festering inside of him, full of regret and budding self-hatred that he's still desperately trying to keep down.]

im just worried because now its becoming pretty obvious that this shit happens often
and we gotta keep making sure we stay safe when the next big thing comes
but...how?

[grivences]

It's like eating your vegetables.
It's not always easy or fun, but it's good to do anyway.

Someone once told me that things here have a tendency to escalate.
I'm kind of afraid to see what escalation from the world almost ending will look like.
But regardless of what comes, we have to just keep trying to live our lives as usual.
If you learn about the nightmares happening all the time, but you let them stop you from going about your day...
Then the nightmares win.

cw: depression

[beatemall]

[Survival isn't the same as living. Miles knows that, has always held fast to the things that make life worth living. He'd leap blindly, holding his faith that things would end up alright... But being in Ryslig has made him scared, anxious of what could leap back at him from the bottom.

Maybe having allies makes it a little bit easier. Like his Spider-people, having friends like Robin—people who are the same as him in the ways that matter—makes enduring it all easier. Even still, when will they stop having to endure? When will the sun rise on a day where it doesn't feel like he's fighting just to keep his head above the water?]

yea i know
i know we have to keep going cause if we give up that means ryslig wins

but its so hard robin
i just want to hug my dad again
i want to eat my moms cooking
ive fought so many villains ive held my uncle as he died in my arms
but this is still the hardest fucking thing ive ever had to do

it isnt fair man

[grivences]

No. It isn't fair.

[ Nothing in Robin's life has really been "fair," lately. But usually when one thing goes to shit, something else will come along that's good. She got kidnapped by Russians, but got a new best friend out of it. She got kidnapped by the Fog God, but met people like Miles and Vash.

If the bad things keep on coming, but the good things stagnate...

Robin doesn't want to think about what she'll do then. ]

I don't really know what to say to make it better.
I don't know if there's anything I can say.

But we have each other.
So, next time I see you, you're getting a hug.
I may not be your dad, but I've still got arms.

[beatemall]

[There's nothing that can be said to make it better, and they both know that. The sentiment, at the very least is a nice one. That even if he can't have his family, he isn't completely alone, is really the only thought that keeps him afloat here.]

its ok
just knowing you got my back is enough robin
and thank you
again
for checking up on me

[At the mention of a hug though, Miles feels his chest tighten.

He's been so afraid of touching others since developing his decay magic that he's desperate for physical contact. It was always so natural before. The bump of a fist or a dap between friends, the strong embrace of his father's arms, the way his mom would cup his face and pepper him with kisses. Physical affection was something Miles used to give out with reckless abandon, but now....]

i could use a hug i think

[grivences]

[ You know... Maybe Robin could use a hug, too. She was never really a hug fan of affectionate physical contact. Something about the feeling of arms around her usually makes her feel penned in, trapped, instead of safe and loved like a hug is supposed to make you feel. When Robin stops to think about whether she needs a hug, it's less about craving the intimate touch of a loved one, and more about whether she needs concrete proof or reassurance that someone is close by who cares about her. A hug wouldn't feel good, but it might make the anxious buzzing in her brain slow down for a minute. ]

I get off my shift at Poundmates in half an hour.
If you can wait that long.
If not, you can always stop by here, for a hug and bonus cute, fluffy animals.

[beatemall]

[It's sudden, and with the suggestion of actually going out to see someone, Miles realizes that he probably looks like shit. No amount of showering could freshen up a corpse that hasn't eaten its monthly human meal in awhile, who's also on the tail end of a manic-depressive episode.

...But knowing that it'd be Robin he's seeing buoys him, ever so slightly. She's safe, and that's a comfort that's just enough justification for him to send his reply:]

ill try not to look and smell like a sad zombie hermit and head on over
itd be nice to pet some animals
hopefully no dogs try to eat me tho